Comments on: The Missionary Virtue of Talking Over People http://davefagg.com.au/2009/11/the-missionary-virtue-of-talking-over-people/ Sat, 03 Jul 2010 02:27:29 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Geoff Barker http://davefagg.com.au/2009/11/the-missionary-virtue-of-talking-over-people/comment-page-1/#comment-17 Geoff Barker Thu, 26 Nov 2009 10:15:35 +0000 http://davefagg.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/the-missionary-virtue-of-talking-over-people/#comment-17 Hey that's what I was needing to hear after a day of pastoral visiting Hey that’s what I was needing to hear after a day of pastoral visiting

]]> By: Kate http://davefagg.com.au/2009/11/the-missionary-virtue-of-talking-over-people/comment-page-1/#comment-16 Kate Thu, 26 Nov 2009 04:55:50 +0000 http://davefagg.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/the-missionary-virtue-of-talking-over-people/#comment-16 This is such a helpful topic Dave, and one that's rarely discussed. I've often tried to compensate for my aversion to interruption or people dominating conversation by cultivating careful listening skills. I've reminded myself of the inherent value of listening, even when it's boring or difficult - and I believe there are times when this is true - but I appreciate you pointing out that over a long period, a ministry of mmm's may be far from enough. This is such a helpful topic Dave, and one that’s rarely discussed. I’ve often tried to compensate for my aversion to interruption or people dominating conversation by cultivating careful listening skills. I’ve reminded myself of the inherent value of listening, even when it’s boring or difficult – and I believe there are times when this is true – but I appreciate you pointing out that over a long period, a ministry of mmm’s may be far from enough.

]]> By: smoyle http://davefagg.com.au/2009/11/the-missionary-virtue-of-talking-over-people/comment-page-1/#comment-15 smoyle Thu, 26 Nov 2009 00:10:54 +0000 http://davefagg.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/the-missionary-virtue-of-talking-over-people/#comment-15 I really appreciate Marshall Rosenberg's work on nonviolent communication (sometimes...other times I think his ridiculous levels of control over its patent undermine him). Basically it's intended to be heart to heart conversation - empathic listening - which meets both people's needs (because usually people are interested in getting both people's needs met). It takes account of four things: Observations (as distinct from judgments), Feelings, Needs, and Requests. So if you're feeling like you're not getting a word in, or like someone's just talking for the sake of talking, you can say something like, "Sorry to interrupt you, but it seems to me like you've been talking for quite a while (observation), and I'm finding myself getting impatient (feeling) because I really value someone who listens to me as well (needs). Do you think we could have a more balanced conversation? (request)" Or you can say it less wankily...but hopefully you get the idea. :) As middle class people it's hard to get over that sounding rude, but because you're actually expressing your need (and sometimes even saying something as blunt as "I'm feeling bored and I like to be engaged when I listen to people") people usually respond well to that. I really appreciate Marshall Rosenberg’s work on nonviolent communication (sometimes…other times I think his ridiculous levels of control over its patent undermine him). Basically it’s intended to be heart to heart conversation – empathic listening – which meets both people’s needs (because usually people are interested in getting both people’s needs met). It takes account of four things: Observations (as distinct from judgments), Feelings, Needs, and Requests. So if you’re feeling like you’re not getting a word in, or like someone’s just talking for the sake of talking, you can say something like, “Sorry to interrupt you, but it seems to me like you’ve been talking for quite a while (observation), and I’m finding myself getting impatient (feeling) because I really value someone who listens to me as well (needs). Do you think we could have a more balanced conversation? (request)”

Or you can say it less wankily…but hopefully you get the idea. :) As middle class people it’s hard to get over that sounding rude, but because you’re actually expressing your need (and sometimes even saying something as blunt as “I’m feeling bored and I like to be engaged when I listen to people”) people usually respond well to that.

]]> By: Brigid Walsh http://davefagg.com.au/2009/11/the-missionary-virtue-of-talking-over-people/comment-page-1/#comment-14 Brigid Walsh Wed, 25 Nov 2009 21:42:17 +0000 http://davefagg.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/the-missionary-virtue-of-talking-over-people/#comment-14 Love it, Dave - but then I am a talker learning to be a listener. Smiled about the noisy neighbourhood when being a polite listener is a disability. Sounds to me like an alive sort of neighbourhood. Middle class politeness can be stultifying. The only qualifier should be what you say when you open your trap. Is something encouraging, creative, prophetic emerging. Too often in our society people have kept and are keeping their traps shut while injustice abounds. Now opening your mouth on such a topic does not win friends and doesn't always influence people - but the examples from our faith tradition tell us that we need to speak out anyway so that people can hear. If they ignore, that's their moral responsibility. We have fulfilled ours. Love it, Dave – but then I am a talker learning to be a listener. Smiled about the noisy neighbourhood when being a polite listener is a disability. Sounds to me like an alive sort of neighbourhood. Middle class politeness can be stultifying. The only qualifier should be what you say when you open your trap. Is something encouraging, creative, prophetic emerging. Too often in our society people have kept and are keeping their traps shut while injustice abounds. Now opening your mouth on such a topic does not win friends and doesn’t always influence people – but the examples from our faith tradition tell us that we need to speak out anyway so that people can hear. If they ignore, that’s their moral responsibility. We have fulfilled ours.

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